I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
If a snake ate a cake
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea