if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I am a gravy boat captain
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.