Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.