We got caught Brian, just act normal..
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Lmfao
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes