*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?