Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
become ungovernable
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?