I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
A short story of betrayal:
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Challenge accepted.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.