This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
secret recipe
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?