I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information