scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
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an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.