Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.