I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions