[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?