the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
water it, i dare you
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.