What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
best review i’ve ever seen
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.