[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
What
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years