“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Ken is short for chicken
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*