Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
The human personality is made of five key elements
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
They’re not wrong
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
me and my fake scenarios
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.