No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone