Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me: