*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I ate everything, including the H.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more