I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
wow he looks just like him
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them