*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Only short people can save us
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”