Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Life is a suicide mission.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The government even made aliens boring