The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
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A fake ID that makes you younger
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship