Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Realize this:
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.