[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
wait.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”