Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.