Fights fire with marshmallows
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You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.