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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”