Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
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Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
The news
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I have a black belt in leather
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
When news reporters do sports stories
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*