Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Childbirth is so beautiful
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set