me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
But wait…
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…