my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”