ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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My birth announcement for our third baby
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle