I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
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Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
This kid is a star!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Breaking news:
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.