see you in hell you stupid fruit
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”