*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
What if the weather talks about us?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”