if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Godzilla was the first house flipper.