found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
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My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
🖤✌🏽
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.