friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you