The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.