*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
You Might Also Like
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Cat is stressing him out.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
sugar glider wrangler
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me