I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin