Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
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Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you