KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.