“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
You Might Also Like
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.