*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Thrilling chase underway
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.