Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.