FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.